Fags.exe - End Process

By Kernel.Sanders (KS, less of a mouthful [insert your mother joke here])

I'm not going to say for a second that this article was of my own accord, because it was directly influenced by Yahtzee, because through what he said, I did not actually believe what I heard and I actually had to see it myself.

I am talking about “Ctrl-Alt-Delete” or “CAD” (to fans and poosays (say it out loud) alike... scratch that , to poosays.) however, I am not going to rant about the boring.. boring boring boring web comic, so after I read as many that was humanly possible (about 3 I got up to, post your high scores) I decided that it would be a great insight into human nature to actually look at the forums, to see who likes this bullshit. And what I saw boggled my mind, it was, the Burma of the internets.

And it isn't as bad ass as someone may assume that title is, (as bad ass as the internet can actually be) but the violations I'm talking about are the most important ones. Thing is, people on “CAD Forums – Powered by VBulletin” are NICE to each other. I'll give you some time to let that sink in.

First example, from “The Strategy Guide – Stuck in life's problems and need help? Let us give you the solution” -___________________- (oh by the way, nice game pun, you dick fucking ass munching cunt jar, the only person that's helping is Osama, I don't know why but fuck off anyway) I stumbled across a thread called “ I really need cheering up” by Texasranga (with a Batman avatar, sorry GetThatWookie, or can I call you GT?) Telling us all that

OK, so today has been the possibly my shittiest day ever. There are just two many awful things that have happened to me today to make a complete list, so I'll just list the big ones:

• The girlfriend I thought I was perfect for (KS- subtle thing you may have not noticed - “I was perfect for” eurgh) is cheating on me and wants to break up

• I hardly got any sleep last night (KS- the mind of Tex <(fuck, shit fuck I'm running out of things to say, AHA!)

• I broke my leg (yesterday, granted, but it hurts like hell today)(KS – BUT IT'LL FIX, UNLIKE MY BROKEN HEARRRRRTTTTTT :(((((((((

• My Xbox still isn't back yet (KS - if you're replacing your x-box in a year, 11.53846153% of your year will be waiting for your xbox back, you probably spend less time watching adverts, sorry sunshine, this isn't out of the ordinary.)

• A bunch of kids from my school found out my girlfriend's cheating on me and constantly pester me (KS – lets think about this, there must have been enough time for your girlfriend cheating on you and the rumour to spread, you're a loser faggot who spends his time posting for advice on CAD forums (fuck, it's spreading) so that's maybe, 2 or 3 days for it to spread, constantly implies that its been going on for over a day, so that's approximately 5 days, so why this day? Why not yesterday? I smell the faeces of a male cow)

Like I said, these are just the major problems. I think today is probably the first day I have actually considered suicide, so I thought some of you might be able to help me out bit.(KS - hes almost asking for them to make him top himself) Just anything funny or happy that could brighten my mood, if only for a little bit, and help make this day less shitty.

After much pondering, I came to the following conclusion. This guy is probably a) a troll, b) a retard (every website has a few) or c) a figment of my imagination. In any case the correct thing to do is to rip the shit out of them to push them closer to their consideration, or if it is a troll, deal with it accordingly.

So I gingerly scrolled down, awaiting “GO SUCK A WALL OF COCKS” or “AN HERO : JUST DO IT” but I think you've expected that it wasn't that, otherwise I'd just be out of inspiration still. Well I'll let the response speak for itself, this response comes from Vantro

I felt that way when my first relationship ended, you'll feel better in time though.(KS- No.) Life will throw shitty days at you like this, but then you'll get great days that make up for it.

Then when the next pretty doll (KS– WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT?!) comes along you'll forget this one's name. (Unless they have the same name.(KS- Oh yeah, thanks for the info, its really important that you told me this otherwise I wouldn't know) )

So don't beat yourself up over it(KS- wrong) , you're better than her(KS -I'll join with the guy she's cheating with, the guys taking the piss out of him at school, and other modern day heroes when I respectfully disagree) . And as far as the backbone thing is concerned, there are too many ass holes (KS- we've got a back fetishist) in the world as it is, be proud of the fact that you're nice (KS- [A poo-say]) , just don't let the world walk all over you either.

Take care of yourself Tex (KS- oh do fuck off) .

Tex. Tex. Tex. I'm scared to say this in front of a mirror just in case I turn into a pussy and I walk the streets with people asking whether I need a hug and shortening my name to Kern. (no.) sorry no, LIMP the streets because my poor poor leg is feeling so much worse today.

Pre-emptively, I'm going to ask to our American fans (sorry, we don't in fact have any fans) whether their schools are retarded or something, I ask not because of the ridiculous people you seem to churn out (I watched the OC one time, its enough.) but because of this fantastic comment from nugget-92 , with the subtitle “Unloved and Unwanted” (wasn't that a E! True Hollywood story about Ben Stiller?) who posted this gem:

to make you feel happier focus your time on something else. Like school or video games. I know the last one is a bit hard but maybe crack out an old computer game or older console game .

America, are you listening? Video games are A BIT HARD in comparison to school. (it's what they get for teaching creationism as scientific theory) CHINA NUKE, I CHOOSE YOUUUUUUUU!

(oh-ho-ho, GTW, XBL – Texasranga 12278 Gamer points)

I think I finally understand, this all makes sense.

This is just like anger management, you're all trolling me, ( I at least know Maddox is, he's got CAD in his links for fuck sake) making ME want to kill myself. Shit, it's working.

Am I being fair, or very fair?

Your Christmas Sucks!

Merry fucking Christmas..

As I am sure everyone Christian or living in a Western society is aware, a tiny small insignificant thing called Christmas has come round. I’m almost sure it happens yearly, a bit like a birthday. Well... Everyone loves Christmas – or so the saying goes, but how many people actually do love Christmas?

I, for one, don’t hate Christmas. I mean, free stuff, and time off, what isn’t to love? Well, people at Christmas. Here is my COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO ALL CHRISTMAS HATES AND HOW TO AVOID BEING SWEPT ALONG IN THEM!;

10. First off... Eggnog. The fucking vile emulsion that, for some reason, became tradition. It tastes not unlike what I would imagine Santa’s elves jizz to taste like - not that I make a habit of guessing the semen flavours of diminutive peoples. My main problem is that, when it isn’t Christmas, NOBODY would touch it, so why do we force ourselves to drink it at Christmas? Is it because we feel we must feel some suffering in this time of goodwill? Who gives a flying one. To avoid all possible Eggnog consumption, check milk labels twice, and stop drinking random glasses of white shit you see around.

9. Turkey (also Red Wine Gravy.) Possibly a controversial choice, but just as valid. This has a similar reason for hatred similar to Eggnog. Any other time of the year we wouldn’t touch this grisly bird. It is dry, hideously rich and expensive too! People go out and buy the biggest turkey they can find, to keep up with the Joneses, but forget how much they hate Turkey. To avoid Turkey, don’t eat for the surrounding months of Christmas. If you really hate turkey, don’t eat for the entire year Christmas falls on.

8. Christmas films. Without a doubt, the worst thing on television all year around. Completely wank-fest films that countless people have regarded as classics since the moment they were in casting. The Wizard of Oz? Fuck Oz and fuck toto, they can burn, I’m off to eat some turkey. However, the author must concede that not ALL Christmas films are awful. To avoid all Christmas TV, throw it out of the window, and try to maim someone when doing it.

7. Christmas Markets. “Welcome to the Christmas Market – November 2007”. Okay, for a start... November? Why?! It is still 30 odd days until Christmas, you aren’t fooling anyone. You’re just impatient. Secondly, its complete lack of anything to do with Christmas (any other circumstances, that would be good, but fuck, not now). “Ostrich Burgers and Bratwurst!” Ah yes, the famous Christmas foods. Wait, what the fuck has a German sausage got to do with Christmas? Thieving bastards. To avoid all Christmas Markets... Give up, they’re unavoidable.

6. Christmas Specials. All your favourite series’ whoring themselves out to the marketing people in search of a cheap laugh and quick amount of cash. It is despicable and tacky, like Christmas itself. To avoid, run, right now...

5. Half way up and we have Adverts. Coca-Cola’s famous “Holiday’s a’comin’” advert has been consistently on every year since I’ve been born, and it has been consistently shite. Any excuse for an advert to have sleigh bells and enough fake snow to poison the big man himself.. To avoid these, well see 6 and 8.

4. Santa. Yeah, that fat bastard. This jolly faggot consistently ruins Christmases worldwide by just generally being creepy. He isn’t even real, yet millions of people worship him. You’d think he was God or something... To avoid Santa’s claws, carry a make-shift shiv and prepare to execute any obese people wearing red and white. If you want to be doubly careful, and beneficial to society, remove “wearing red and white” from that last statement.

3. As the list nears closing, we get to subjects so hideous, they make me physically convulse at the thought. Brussels sprouts. The fucking putrid flecks of brain faeces that you shovel into your bandwagon-leaping mouth. They honestly taste like the thing from the black lagoon hocked up. Urghh. To avoid Brussels sprouts, sew your mouth shut, and cut your fingers off... All you can do I’m afraid.

2. Selection Boxes. All your least favourite 40p chocolate bars visibly chucked into a tatty box with fucking Rudolph on the front, laughing as he pisses your money down the wall. You wonder why everyone in Christmasland is laughing all the time? They’re laughing because they’re buying kilos of Cocaine off of everything from your “essential” purchases to the stocking fillers. To answer another mystery, that’s why Rudolph’s nose is always red. To avoid selection boxes, become morbidly obese (not on selection boxes, obviously, not that that is possible anyhow) and go find number 4

1. Finally... We get to number one. They are so unspeakably horrible that even the mention of them without suitable protection causes the untrained ear to self-ignite in some sort of conflagrating movement.

Yes, Christmas songs. Holy Holly-fucking Christ. They are shite. Every year, the same album is released from Asda featuring, and I quote, “your favourite Christmas hits”. My favourite? How about next time you release a compilation, you look up the term favourite in dictionary? And whilst you’re there how about you look up “money-hungry presumptuous eggnog drinking cunts”. You’ll not find a picture of you, but you’ll find the definition, which describes you quite well. Bastards.

This still hasn’t mentioned the songs (read: dirges of noise) themselves, every year we are aurally assaulted by Noddy Holder et al with all those songs you’ve known since you were a small boy/girl at School discos. There is the schmaltzy one, with the lovey dovey meaning, the “hard rocky” one (the one that goes “and heeeerrreee it issss”) and all manner of shitty ones in between. The musicianship in them is dire, they have “catchy tunes” which basically means “they wrote a song where they proved they don’t care about their fans just money”.

To escape thes- who am I kidding...? There is no escape. Ever. It is as true as the fact the sun comes up, that every Christmas we will be attacked by fucking muddy wank that is to music as the Bosnia is to Western Society. Wahey, aren’t I satirical?

GetThatWookie

The Instruc-tables have turned!

Instructables.

I like Instructables in the same way I like Movie-Games, that is to say that i like looking at the people who enjoy it and think; "thank Christ I’m not THAT nerdy."

(I bring you this report as a piece of sacrifice for your pleasure, I had to look around to find these things, and it tortures me that I did.)

To sign up, you must be 13, but I can tell that this isn’t enforced very well as such, and I think you’ll see why.

http://www.instructables.com/id/Laserholic-Pets/

Through my trawling I found a little instructable called “Laserholic Pets” and it is not only mind-bogglingly retarded, its mildly cruel as well. Laserholic Pets is basically attaching a Laser pointer to a dog jacket and strapping it on your pet. Your pet, providing it has ingested enough laserhol to develop an addiction, will then chase the laser as it comes from its movement, causing the pet to wander around aimlessly “amusing” itself. Now this is all well and good if you’re an idiot, and it shows by the comments.

A person I will call Klondike Mike, sent this comment:

“This is a clever way to amuse your pet without having hands on. So how about devising a remote control so that you can remotely turn the laser on and off somehow? Perhaps a remote device that could push the button on and off somehow.
Also, I read that dogs CAN detect blue and red...extremes of the spectrum. That would something you could test with these lasers!”

Oh yes, because I’m always thinking of ways I can amuse my pet without having hands on. I bought a pet, I spent money on a pet, and I’m thinking of ways to amuse it “without having hands on” I will use my time making a tortuous device just to avoid “having hands on” with a pet I bought knowing that it was to amuse me and I was to amuse it, my four legged friend strapped to a modern carrot on a stick because I’m trying to avoid “hands on”. A warning to my readers, Laserhol is a gateway drug to retardation.

http://www.instructables.com/id/Fun-folder/

The next contender for Champion of the Instructables I will call Edgar Allen OHDEARLAWD NO!, he posted an instructable called “Fun Folder” he introduces his wondrous creation by

“Intro Fun folder

Now you can have a folder with all your favorate programs in it. Sorry if the pictures are to hard to read.”

The instructable entitled fun-folder is basically creating a desktop folder in which you can store your “favorate” programs, our computer whizz is clearly half way through his computer science III course, because although he has found a way of creating a folder of wonder and fun, he has not yet done the module of print screening, as his pictures are clearly done by a £10 Logitech webcam begged for at the catalogues of Argos with the promises of a tidy room.

I think I understand know why these fantastic people on the internet aren’t successful, and they have alot of it right; they’re good engineers, they know how to make something simply, they’re interested in it, but there is one problem. The things they make are so fucking stupid that no one would possibly want to buy it, let alone make it, unless they are, to quote a great man, “bat-shit crazy.“

This realisation has come to me after finding my next instructable, called Super iPod.

http://www.instructables.com/id/Super-IPod_1/

a Super iPod fulfils anything you’d want from a pillow, in the way that it “plays music and looks like an Apple IPod but is 50 times bigger than Apple IPod” I mean for God’s sake, how many people are lying on their bed and thinking, hey, I wish this pillow was a fire hazard which would change song and change volume of a small amount of songs while in use as a normal pillow. And how comfortable can it be? And how can you clean the pillow? But at least it proves that I’m not the only one who can’t sleep without listening to my dad’s Guns ‘n Roses collection worrying about my Key Stage 2 SATS. You’ll need this to comfort up your bus shelter when you realise what a twat you are for thinking anyone would want it, Kneecap George.

Instructables is bad, anyone on it will die alone, and this is objective and can be proved by adding dilute sulphuric acid to the mystery substance and pouring it down your twat-like 8 year old gullet.


by KERNL.SANDERS

Merry Christmas, and more to come soon, whether you like it or not!

Pilot

Hello and Welcome to a festive edition of Knife the Watermelon, KERNL. and I are here to welcome you to the New Year with a certain amount of trepidation and stigma, so enjoy our cynical monologues before we transform into a self-indulgent mess of callousness.
GetThatWookie

There are things in the world that suck, and the only thing worse than that is people pointing out those flaws and making life seem like a drag, so I have a feeling we aren’t going to get along. Every 2 weeks, I will pause my manufacture of fried Chikanz to bring you a panorama-esque report into things that push us all closer to the edge of a Call of Duty 4 bomb squad “accident”. Merry crossbow, my beloved unknowns
KERNL.SANDERS

I, on the other hand, will bring you comprehensive life-lists of shit no-one likes. These'll be on the offweek. Of course, this is all wishful thinking, and the likelihood of this happening is slim to none. So count your blessings and enjoy our first labour of love-to-hate.
GetThatWookie