The Instruc-tables have turned!

Instructables.

I like Instructables in the same way I like Movie-Games, that is to say that i like looking at the people who enjoy it and think; "thank Christ I’m not THAT nerdy."

(I bring you this report as a piece of sacrifice for your pleasure, I had to look around to find these things, and it tortures me that I did.)

To sign up, you must be 13, but I can tell that this isn’t enforced very well as such, and I think you’ll see why.

http://www.instructables.com/id/Laserholic-Pets/

Through my trawling I found a little instructable called “Laserholic Pets” and it is not only mind-bogglingly retarded, its mildly cruel as well. Laserholic Pets is basically attaching a Laser pointer to a dog jacket and strapping it on your pet. Your pet, providing it has ingested enough laserhol to develop an addiction, will then chase the laser as it comes from its movement, causing the pet to wander around aimlessly “amusing” itself. Now this is all well and good if you’re an idiot, and it shows by the comments.

A person I will call Klondike Mike, sent this comment:

“This is a clever way to amuse your pet without having hands on. So how about devising a remote control so that you can remotely turn the laser on and off somehow? Perhaps a remote device that could push the button on and off somehow.
Also, I read that dogs CAN detect blue and red...extremes of the spectrum. That would something you could test with these lasers!”

Oh yes, because I’m always thinking of ways I can amuse my pet without having hands on. I bought a pet, I spent money on a pet, and I’m thinking of ways to amuse it “without having hands on” I will use my time making a tortuous device just to avoid “having hands on” with a pet I bought knowing that it was to amuse me and I was to amuse it, my four legged friend strapped to a modern carrot on a stick because I’m trying to avoid “hands on”. A warning to my readers, Laserhol is a gateway drug to retardation.

http://www.instructables.com/id/Fun-folder/

The next contender for Champion of the Instructables I will call Edgar Allen OHDEARLAWD NO!, he posted an instructable called “Fun Folder” he introduces his wondrous creation by

“Intro Fun folder

Now you can have a folder with all your favorate programs in it. Sorry if the pictures are to hard to read.”

The instructable entitled fun-folder is basically creating a desktop folder in which you can store your “favorate” programs, our computer whizz is clearly half way through his computer science III course, because although he has found a way of creating a folder of wonder and fun, he has not yet done the module of print screening, as his pictures are clearly done by a £10 Logitech webcam begged for at the catalogues of Argos with the promises of a tidy room.

I think I understand know why these fantastic people on the internet aren’t successful, and they have alot of it right; they’re good engineers, they know how to make something simply, they’re interested in it, but there is one problem. The things they make are so fucking stupid that no one would possibly want to buy it, let alone make it, unless they are, to quote a great man, “bat-shit crazy.“

This realisation has come to me after finding my next instructable, called Super iPod.

http://www.instructables.com/id/Super-IPod_1/

a Super iPod fulfils anything you’d want from a pillow, in the way that it “plays music and looks like an Apple IPod but is 50 times bigger than Apple IPod” I mean for God’s sake, how many people are lying on their bed and thinking, hey, I wish this pillow was a fire hazard which would change song and change volume of a small amount of songs while in use as a normal pillow. And how comfortable can it be? And how can you clean the pillow? But at least it proves that I’m not the only one who can’t sleep without listening to my dad’s Guns ‘n Roses collection worrying about my Key Stage 2 SATS. You’ll need this to comfort up your bus shelter when you realise what a twat you are for thinking anyone would want it, Kneecap George.

Instructables is bad, anyone on it will die alone, and this is objective and can be proved by adding dilute sulphuric acid to the mystery substance and pouring it down your twat-like 8 year old gullet.


by KERNL.SANDERS

Merry Christmas, and more to come soon, whether you like it or not!