Your Christmas Sucks!

Merry fucking Christmas..

As I am sure everyone Christian or living in a Western society is aware, a tiny small insignificant thing called Christmas has come round. I’m almost sure it happens yearly, a bit like a birthday. Well... Everyone loves Christmas – or so the saying goes, but how many people actually do love Christmas?

I, for one, don’t hate Christmas. I mean, free stuff, and time off, what isn’t to love? Well, people at Christmas. Here is my COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE TO ALL CHRISTMAS HATES AND HOW TO AVOID BEING SWEPT ALONG IN THEM!;

10. First off... Eggnog. The fucking vile emulsion that, for some reason, became tradition. It tastes not unlike what I would imagine Santa’s elves jizz to taste like - not that I make a habit of guessing the semen flavours of diminutive peoples. My main problem is that, when it isn’t Christmas, NOBODY would touch it, so why do we force ourselves to drink it at Christmas? Is it because we feel we must feel some suffering in this time of goodwill? Who gives a flying one. To avoid all possible Eggnog consumption, check milk labels twice, and stop drinking random glasses of white shit you see around.

9. Turkey (also Red Wine Gravy.) Possibly a controversial choice, but just as valid. This has a similar reason for hatred similar to Eggnog. Any other time of the year we wouldn’t touch this grisly bird. It is dry, hideously rich and expensive too! People go out and buy the biggest turkey they can find, to keep up with the Joneses, but forget how much they hate Turkey. To avoid Turkey, don’t eat for the surrounding months of Christmas. If you really hate turkey, don’t eat for the entire year Christmas falls on.

8. Christmas films. Without a doubt, the worst thing on television all year around. Completely wank-fest films that countless people have regarded as classics since the moment they were in casting. The Wizard of Oz? Fuck Oz and fuck toto, they can burn, I’m off to eat some turkey. However, the author must concede that not ALL Christmas films are awful. To avoid all Christmas TV, throw it out of the window, and try to maim someone when doing it.

7. Christmas Markets. “Welcome to the Christmas Market – November 2007”. Okay, for a start... November? Why?! It is still 30 odd days until Christmas, you aren’t fooling anyone. You’re just impatient. Secondly, its complete lack of anything to do with Christmas (any other circumstances, that would be good, but fuck, not now). “Ostrich Burgers and Bratwurst!” Ah yes, the famous Christmas foods. Wait, what the fuck has a German sausage got to do with Christmas? Thieving bastards. To avoid all Christmas Markets... Give up, they’re unavoidable.

6. Christmas Specials. All your favourite series’ whoring themselves out to the marketing people in search of a cheap laugh and quick amount of cash. It is despicable and tacky, like Christmas itself. To avoid, run, right now...

5. Half way up and we have Adverts. Coca-Cola’s famous “Holiday’s a’comin’” advert has been consistently on every year since I’ve been born, and it has been consistently shite. Any excuse for an advert to have sleigh bells and enough fake snow to poison the big man himself.. To avoid these, well see 6 and 8.

4. Santa. Yeah, that fat bastard. This jolly faggot consistently ruins Christmases worldwide by just generally being creepy. He isn’t even real, yet millions of people worship him. You’d think he was God or something... To avoid Santa’s claws, carry a make-shift shiv and prepare to execute any obese people wearing red and white. If you want to be doubly careful, and beneficial to society, remove “wearing red and white” from that last statement.

3. As the list nears closing, we get to subjects so hideous, they make me physically convulse at the thought. Brussels sprouts. The fucking putrid flecks of brain faeces that you shovel into your bandwagon-leaping mouth. They honestly taste like the thing from the black lagoon hocked up. Urghh. To avoid Brussels sprouts, sew your mouth shut, and cut your fingers off... All you can do I’m afraid.

2. Selection Boxes. All your least favourite 40p chocolate bars visibly chucked into a tatty box with fucking Rudolph on the front, laughing as he pisses your money down the wall. You wonder why everyone in Christmasland is laughing all the time? They’re laughing because they’re buying kilos of Cocaine off of everything from your “essential” purchases to the stocking fillers. To answer another mystery, that’s why Rudolph’s nose is always red. To avoid selection boxes, become morbidly obese (not on selection boxes, obviously, not that that is possible anyhow) and go find number 4

1. Finally... We get to number one. They are so unspeakably horrible that even the mention of them without suitable protection causes the untrained ear to self-ignite in some sort of conflagrating movement.

Yes, Christmas songs. Holy Holly-fucking Christ. They are shite. Every year, the same album is released from Asda featuring, and I quote, “your favourite Christmas hits”. My favourite? How about next time you release a compilation, you look up the term favourite in dictionary? And whilst you’re there how about you look up “money-hungry presumptuous eggnog drinking cunts”. You’ll not find a picture of you, but you’ll find the definition, which describes you quite well. Bastards.

This still hasn’t mentioned the songs (read: dirges of noise) themselves, every year we are aurally assaulted by Noddy Holder et al with all those songs you’ve known since you were a small boy/girl at School discos. There is the schmaltzy one, with the lovey dovey meaning, the “hard rocky” one (the one that goes “and heeeerrreee it issss”) and all manner of shitty ones in between. The musicianship in them is dire, they have “catchy tunes” which basically means “they wrote a song where they proved they don’t care about their fans just money”.

To escape thes- who am I kidding...? There is no escape. Ever. It is as true as the fact the sun comes up, that every Christmas we will be attacked by fucking muddy wank that is to music as the Bosnia is to Western Society. Wahey, aren’t I satirical?

GetThatWookie